


i can't fall in love without you

by Nina_683



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-04-26 11:51:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14401572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nina_683/pseuds/Nina_683
Summary: Minho suddenly appears in his vision, releasing him from his octopus grip. He's sweating, shoulders moving visibly with each breath, but the spotlights catch on the shimmer of his grin and-And Jisung is mesmerised.





	1. Chapter 1

Jisung doesn't know what to think of Minho when he first arrives at JYP.

He comes only months before the annual showcase, whispers surrounding him of dancing backup on the Wings Tour. The trainees treat him like some sort of mythical creature, gossiping about him into the late hours of the night.

Minho, to his credit, doesn't seem arrogant at all, which Jisung doesn't understand. If he'd danced with BTS, he would be bragging about it to anyone who would listen. But Minho is quiet, pensive.

He sits in the corner of the dance studio, watching all the other trainees laughing and pushing each other around. He never initiates a conversation, and when someone makes the effort to talk to him, his replies are awkward and halting.

Jisung ignores him for the most part, a new trainee arrives every month, there's no point in getting hung up over each one, back-up dancer or no. Instead he practises his rap, makes tracks with 3RACHA and hangs around town with Hyunjin and Felix, soaking up the summer heat.

There's a budding itchiness under his skin, however, that's been building up for the past year. It leaves him tossing and turning in the middle of the night, bed creaking beneath him. He tries to scratch it but everytime he does it gets worse, and feels as if it'll never go.

Going through this summer has been like swimming in hot, thick honey, no matter how much he tries to swim ahead he's still stuck in the same place, slowly corroding. Jisung hates it, the constant itch under his skin, his ever-present urge to debut.

He feels like he'll never get there, stuck in the honey, scratching himself raw till he bleeds.

He guesses it's lucky then, that that's when the news comes.

“Our debut!” Chan says, opening the studio door with a wide smile. “Nine of us!” He cheers, waving a thin piece of paper around in the air.

Jisung takes his headphones off, unable to believe what he's hearing. The light catches the paper, and he can faintly see the scrawl of JYP’s signature at the bottom.

He barely registers Changbin wrapping an arm round his shoulder, jumping up and down in excitement. Jisung lets his ecstasy bleed into him, grinning widely.

“Which nine?” Changbin asks, dragging them closer to Chan. “Our main squad, and then Yao Chen? Oh you better have included Jeongin, that kid is the perfect maknae.”

“Don't worry,” Chan replies knowingly, “I included Jeongin. It's us three, Woojin, Seungmin, Hyunjin, Felix, Jeongin and Minho.”

The smile abruptly drops from Jisung's face. “Minho? He's only been here 2 months!” He argues, brows furrowed.

Chan shrugs helplessly. “Hey, he's a good dancer and he'll become better at singing with time.” He defends, rubbing the back of his neck.

In truth, Jisung's not wholly sure why he's so upset. The main reason is most likely because he had to train an arduous 2 and half years before he even heard news of debut, while Minho rocked up and got to debut almost straight away.

“Jisung-” Changbin starts to say, but Jisung shrugs his arm off and heads out the door, needing some time to think.

He hates himself for envying this person who's done nothing wrong. He should feel glad that Minho's never had that moment of looking himself in the mirror and wondering why he's still here, whether or not he just should give up on his dream because he's not worth it.

But the feeling of worthlessness is all too familiar to him, and he despises drowning in it alone.

He crosses the hallway, out the back door that's meant for staff use only. There's a garden round the back, tended to by the staff where he goes when he needs to sit alone with his thoughts.

It's small, only a few rows of flowers and a vegetable patch occupying it, but it's nice, quiet. Jisung found it as he was running away from Hyunjin after a prank gone wrong, when he burst through the back door and into the garden.

Jisung opens the gate carefully, closing the latch behind him. He doesn't want any animals coming in and harming the vegetables, or the staff will have his head.

He begins to make his way across the path, when a voice drifts over, and he realises that he isn't alone in the garden.

Treading carefully over to the bench, he peers round to see Minho crouching down next to an old tabby cat. The boy clicks his tongue encouragingly, holding his hand out for the cat to smell.

The cat wanders over, sniffing his hand before seeming to approve and licking it enthusiastically. Minho laughs in glee, and Jisung is surprised by such a carefree sound coming from the usually reticent boy.

He turns towards Jisung, beckoning him over with a beaming grin. “Come,” he whispers, “she might let you pet her.”

Jisung slowly waddles over, bending down hesitantly next to the cat. Minho nods encouragingly, taking his hand and lowering towards the cat.

She backs away from Minho to sniff at his palm, and stares up at Jisung for a moment before suddenly climbing onto his lap. Jisung freezes, unsure of what to do. She purrs in his lap, and when he strokes a hesitant hand along her back, she purrs louder.

Minho squeals next to him, fists bunching up in delight. His eyes are crinkled as he grins, a broad smile that shows all his teeth and then some.

The cat purrs again in his lap, but he can't seem to take his gaze away from Minho.

#

(Chan is startled by Jisung's sudden change in attitude towards Minho's inclusion, but is definitely not adverse to it.

“I'm glad you changed your mind.” He confesses, looking at Jisung. “No deserves to train as much as we did. I'd rather he takes two months than seven years.”

Jisung nods in agreement, the corner of his lips turning up.

The itching stops).

#

After seeing the boy's true personality, he makes more of an effort to talk to him, include him in their conversations. They're debuting together, he reasons, might as well foster bonds right now.

And maybe, a small part of him, exists to keep Minho smiling, that crinkled grin he loves. Everytime he narrates an anecdote, or tells a particularly hilarious joke, Minho shakes with laughter, and Jisung can't help but feel a little bit proud.

He's the one to bring Minho out of his shell, encouraging him to talk more with the group and helps him gain confidence. Minho interacts more with the other members, but still, Jisung is the only one he'll initiate skinship with.

He feels slightly please about that, that he's the only one Minho's comfortable enough around to show his true colours. And boy, are they weird. Minho is loud, tactile, and snarky, but Jisung wouldn't have it any other way.

Because when he walks into the dance studio and Minho wraps his arms snugly round his waist, he knows Minho wouldn't have him any other way either.

They perform at the showcase, a nerve-wracking experience that haunts Jisung for days after. He's shaking on stage as he raps, hoping no one will notice the tremor in his voice as he raises the microphone to his lips. 

He's so terrified, he feels like he's going to throw up on the stage. Jisung spins in the middle of his rap as per the choreography, and passes Minho as he does so. The other boy smiles reassuringly, mouthing something he can't quite make out, but even a look from him is enough.

It doesn't completely extinguish his nerves, but it steadies him, helps him find an anchor in Minho's smile.

Jisung finishes his rap, looking up at JYP's face as he lowers the microphone. The older man's expression is indecipherable, but Jisung doesn't need to read faces to know they killed it.

They hurry off stage, laughing off the adrenaline buzz. Jisung's body is tingling, and feels as if he's carrying all too much energy at once. He wants to run, jump, fly, he wants to laugh and cry because they've done it now, there's no going back-

Minho takes his hand behind his back, squeezing it silently as he continues conversing with Woojin. 

Jisung calms slightly, the tingling fading to a light rush. He allows himself to breath, to sit still and come back from his high.

He flexes his fingers, sighing. He mouths, ‘thank you’ to Minho, but the boy only smiles in return.

#

Their team is chosen for debut, and after the cameras stop rolling, they all jump on top one another, laughing and shouting at the top of their lungs.

Chan starts tearing up, overwhelmed with the thought of debut after so long. Jisung laughs, wrapping his arms around the other boy. “Don't cry, silly,” he says, knocking their foreheads together, “this is just the beginning. What are you going to do when we win Best New Male Group, eh?”

Chan laughs wetly, wiping at his eyes. “I'll cry even more.” He quips, taking a tissue out his pocket. “I'm going to embarrass all of you on stage with my tears.”

“Oh don't worry,” Jisung grins, “you already embarrass us anyway.”

Chan smacks him lightly on the shoulder, too high on the bliss of debut to be offended. Felix comes barreling in between them, dragging Chan away, shouting something about Vegemite as they hurtle off the stage.

Hyunjin sighs, watching them go. “Felix found a staff member’s Vegemite stash and wants to go pilfer it with Chan.” He explains to Jisung, who stands alone, puzzled by his sudden abandonment.

He makes a vague noise of understanding. He guess Vegemite is some sort of Australian snack that he's never heard of. Jisung himself has never found any of the food the two receive particularly appealing, he's gotten used to the rich spices of Malaysia and Korea; Australian food is bland by comparison.

Woojin slings an arm around his shoulder, bringing him into the warm heat of his chest. “Should we take this party to the dorms?” He suggests, resting his chin on Jisung's head.

Hyunjin nods, calling Seungmin over and enlisting him to fetch the two Australians that had run wild.

Jisung rests back in Woojin's embrace, watching the other members fondly. Changbin tickles Jeongin to the floor, cackling as the maknae flails helplessly. Minho helps pin his arms down and Changbin increases his relentless tickling, Jeongin shrieking with laughter.

Minho looks up at Jisung, beckoning him over excitedly, one hand holding Jeongin's wrist.

He jogs over, and Minho suddenly pulls him down and begins attacking him in a similar manner, abandoning the maknae to tickle Jisung.

“No, stop!” He cries, squirming as Minho attacks without mercy. He flails helplessly on the floor as Minho giggles in glee.

On his back, Jisung stares up at the spotlights on the ceiling, creating little dots of darkness in his vision. He tries to raise a hand to block their harsh glare, but the other boy pulls his hand down.

Minho suddenly appears in his vision, releasing him from his octopus grip. He's sweating, shoulders moving visibly with each breath, but the spotlights catch on the shimmer of his grin and- 

And Jisung is mesmerised.

It's only later, in the dorm, as they all mill around, eating and celebrating, that being so entranced with a fellow member isn't normal. 

Jisung thinks all of the group are good-looking to a certain extent, of course, but he's never been struck speechless by their visuals like he is by Minho on a regular basis. 

Hyunjin never takes the air out his lungs, Felix never creates swarms of butterflies in his stomach, and Seungmin never- well Seungmin never makes Jisung wants to kiss him.

Jisung chokes on his chicken leg as he reaches the realization, Jeongin patting his back violently in support. 

Does he really want to kiss Minho, or is he mistaking simple affection for something more?

Jisung chances a look towards Minho, who has wrapped himself around Chan's back, whispering into his ear and beaming at the boy's response.

He feels a low pull in the pit of his stomach, an ugly, twisted feeling that crawls up his throat and makes him frown viciously in their direction. Jealousy he supposes, is the emotion he's feeling. He guesses the extent of his feelings are settled then.

Jisung chugs down the rest of his drink, throwing it at Changbin, before stalking over to Chan and Minho. Faking a large smile, he drags Minho over to the corner to dance.

As long as he has these feelings, he'll make sure they amount to something, Jisung decides. Minho grins as he dances, wiggling his eyebrows, and Jisung laughs, pulling him closer.

#

(In the corner, Chan observes them, head tilted.

His eyes linger for a moment, before taking a sip of his drink and turning away).


	2. Chapter 2

When the time comes for them to present their new song to JYP, Jisung holds Minho's sweaty hand in his own, squeezing reassuringly to the beat of the rap. “You can do it.” He whispers to the boy, damp hair tickling his lips as he leans in.

Minho nods, but his eyes are dazed and clouded, not registering anyone's words, save for JYP's measured remarks. Jisung closes his eyes as JYP counts the boy into the rap, and grips his hand tighter when Minho hesitantly begins, Changbin's rough voice supporting next to them.

He muddles through, rapping off-beat with a choked-up throat, but it gains JYP's approval, and Minho is given Hyunjin's rap, and Jeongin is given nothing at all.

Minho stumbles out the room as soon the producers themselves vacate the room, movements stiff, eyes glazed. Jisung watches him go, biting his lip, but Chan follows after him and he assumes the boy will be in good hands.

Instead he goes to Jeongin, who is holed up in a corner of the dark room, curved eyes glinting with tears as he rubs his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie. Jisung wordlessly opens his arms to the boy, and they nestle together by the wall.

Jeongin's cheek is damp, nose running, but Jisung still holds on, running tapered fingers through his hair softly, whispering quietly. “You did well, Jeongin-ah.” He murmurs, but the boy just burrows deeper into his arms.

#

Minho recovers quickly, and embraces the idea of rapping on the song after some thought. He enlists Jisung and Changbin's help with his lines, and they spend much of the time holed up in the cramped recording booth, running over the rap over and over till it sounds smooth.

“You pace this part too slowly.” Changbin states, messily highlighting a line on the printed rap and sliding the sheet over to Minho. “You need to go at it a bit faster, and rougher.” He advises.

Minho nods, looking over Changbin's annotations seriously. He flips the page over, the sharp sound startling Jisung from his daydreams out the window.

His eyes linger on the snow swirling out the frosted pane, before returning his focus back to the table reluctantly. His fingers twitch with unreleased energy, etching patterns onto the table absently. “You want to go outside?” Minho asks suddenly, grinning across the table. “I can see you staring at the snow.”

Jisung nods guiltily, scratching the back of his neck. “Just a bit. I know you’re busy and all with this, but it’s the first snow day Seoul has had in awhile.”

“Soon, Jisung. The snow will stay for a while; time won’t. Just help me get this down and you can play in the snow all you want.” Minho states, watching the snow flurry past through his broken reading glasses. The left edge has been taped to the rest of the glasses more times than he cares to remember, but Jisung thinks the patchiness of it is somehow even cuter.

“I wasn’t suggesting we go right now,” he splutters, “of course I’ll stay and help you till it’s done.”

Minho laughs briefly, that odd, airy one he does that makes him sound like a donkey. 

A cute donkey, Jisung amends, eyeing his too-big sweater and twinkling eyes.

“I know that’s not what you meant,” Minho replies, grinning, “I know you would never leave me in distress.”

It’s a joke, an off-hand statement the rest of the group wouldn’t even acknowledge, but oh god it’s frighteningly true. Even the memory of Minho’s face of terror when talking to JYP lodges a cold stone in his insides, that he curls around at night to remind him to never let Minho feel that type of fear again.

Next time, Jisung promises, we’ll be ready, and we’ll face him together.

#

The night before the three member unit performances, Jisung and Jeongin take deckchairs and blankets out to the garden, sitting under the starry night sky with cans of coke clutched in tight fists. 

“-and there’s Ursa Major.” Jisung points to the sky, detailing every glowing joint of the constellation. “You remember it right, from when we used to stargaze with Hyunjin?”

Jeongin snorts, tipping the can back and chugging it all in one go. “God yes,” he replies, taking a moment to digest the drink, “and he would always pretend to recognize the constellations but had no clue when we made him name them.”

“And then you got him that astrology book and he would spend hours poring over it, trying to memorise them.” Jisung laughs quietly, flicking a bead of condensation off the can. “I wonder if he still remembers them.”

Jeongin shakes his head, eyes focused on the constellation above. “Doubt it. The only thing his memory has capacity for is choreography and beauty routines.” He quips, and Jisung chokes on his drink.

“True.” He mutters, wheezing. “I wonder why he refused to come with us today though. Even if he didn’t remember them it would’ve been like old times. Us three, on the grass till midnight talking about the stars and how we were going to reach them.”  
“He’s avoiding me,” Jeongin states, taking a swig from Jisung’s can, “because I confessed to him. He doesn’t know how to deal with it so he’s avoiding all contact with me.”

Jisung’s eyes widen, and his head shoots up to stare incredulously to stare at the boy lounging next to him. “Well shit Jeongin,” he splutters, “I don’t know how to deal with this either. I didn’t even know, all these years.”

Jeongin shrugs easily. “Only Seungmin and Chan knew. Not because I told them, but you know how uncannily… knowing they can be.” Jisung nods in agreement, having been on the receiving end of their all-knowing eyes more than once. 

“So why did you decide to confess now, of all times?” He asks, shifting forward in his deckchair.

“I think I’m going to be eliminated tomorrow.” He admits, fidgeting with his hands. “So I just,” Jeongin breathes in deeply, “just went up to him yesterday and told him how I feel. If I’m eliminated, at least now I won’t regret never confessing.”

Jisung blinks, taking one of Jeongin’s hands in his own. “That’s one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen you do, and I am unbelievably proud. Wow.”

Jeongin snorts, pulling his hand away. “If you think it’s so brave why don’t you finally confess to Minho then?” He asks, finishing off the rest of Jisung’s drink.

The other boy is so stunned he doesn’t even muster a protest. “I- but how did you know?” He asks, eyes wide as he almost topples off his deckchair.

“I think everyone knows,” Jeongin grins, braces glinting in the dim light. “You didn’t exactly make the best of efforts to hide it.”

Looking back, Jisung realises he may have been slightly obvious with some of his ventures and doe-eyed looks, but didn’t think it was clear to the point where everyone in the group was aware. A sudden thought strikes him.

He grabs the front of Jeongin’s pyjama shirt in desperation. “What if Minho knows?” He whispers, and the other boy bats his hands away. “Minho’s… Minho. He’s amazing, and toured with BTS, and I’m just Jisung. I have chubby cheeks and everyone says my eyes are too big-” 

“Just being Jisung is enough. Do you see the way he looks at you? Everytime he sees you his face lights up, and he does his donkey-laugh whenever you tell a joke, not because it’s funny but because it’s you saying it.” Jeongin reveals, smiling softly. “If he’s not clinging to Chan then he’s clinging to you, and even though he’s close with Chan too, he never looks at him the way he looks at you.”

“How does he look at me?” Jisung asks, voice cracking.  
“With love.”

Jisung sucks in a harsh breath.

“We’ll just have to wait and see which type of love.” Jeongin states, tilting his head to the stars, a far-away smile dancing across his lips. “Don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t confuse the type.”

#

Jisung considers this hours after Minho’s elimination, sitting listlessly in the dance studio.

He thinks really, that it doesn’t particularly matter anymore what type of love. He’d been so caught up in his own feelings that he hadn’t helped Minho and now- now he was gone.

He’d known the second Minho stumbled in his rap, saw JYP wince, and he knew it was all over. Changbin had sighed heavily next to him, rubbing his face. “Stupid hyung.” He mutters, and Jisung pulls the boy’s head onto his shoulder, ignoring the tears soaking into his jacket.

“We’ll be okay.” Jisung murmurs, as the elimination is announced, more for himself than for Changbin. “He’ll come back.”

They go onto the stage where Seungmin is already bawling with his arms round Minho, rocking the other boy back and forth till Hyunjin drags him off. Jisung waits for Chan to have his turn before him, staring obstinately at the sweat-slicked stage as they talk in hushed tones, arms around each other. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Chan says, voice shaking, and Minho’s bitter laugh curls Jisung’s insides. This isn’t his donkey laugh, or his sleepy, slurred one, or the one he does he when he finishes a task. This is something else altogether. Something sharp, and cutting, and utterly despairing.

Something utterly not Minho.

The door to the dance studio opens and Jisung looks up tiredly, recognizing the black-laced boots before they even cross over to him. “You’re not supposed to be here.” He mutters, fingering the fraying bracelet Seungmin had made for him months ago, had made for all of them, before the showcase.

_“So we always remember that we’re a team.” Seungmin had explained, tying it around his wrist._

Jisung faithfully wore his everywhere, barring the shower, and insisted everyone else did the same to show their commitment.

“They can’t kick me out of here,” Minho mumbles, pushing Jisung’s bag aside so he can slump against the wall next to him, “this is the trainee dance studio.” Jisung realises that he’s right, but doesn’t bother to correct himself. 

Minho flicks open the can he brought with him, revealing a pale wrist as his sleeve rides up. “You’re not wearing your bracelet.” Jisung utters, frowning.

Minho shrugs, but his eyes are dark as he downs his drink. Jisung realises with a start that he’s drinking beer. “I’m not a part of Stray Kids anymore, so I shouldn’t wear the bracelet.” He says, eyes flicking to the well-worn bracelet on the other boy’s wrist.

“You’ll always be part-”

“Want some?” Minho interrupts, shaking the can so the beer sloshes around inside it. “You’ve never had any before, have you?” 

“I-”

Jisung shakes his head, mouth dry. He’ll legally be an adult next year, and has been saving himself for alcohol when he hits 20. He knows Hyunjin has already tried some, as had Felix back in Australia, so he supposes that there’s no harm in trying it.

“Sure,” he manages, voice cracking as he takes the can. He sips at the drink hesitantly, wrinkling his nose at the metallic taste.

“Hey, do you think Chan is still awake?” Minho asks suddenly, eyes cast at the low-hanging ceiling. Jisung frowns, taking the can away from his mouth. 

“Why, am I not adult enough for you?” To prove his matureness, Jisung attempts to down the rest of the can, but ends up spitting it out, coughing relentlessly as he holds onto Minho.

Minho laughs, his familiar, donkey laugh, and Jisung’s smile stretches between coughs. “No you idiot,” Minho grins, holding onto Jisung’s middle. “You’re just not a good conversationalist, so I want Chan.”

Jisung slaps his arm in mock offense, and Minho’s laugh is so contagious that he can’t help but to burst out in laughter too. In the reflection of the mirror opposite, their cheeks are red as they grin, limbs strewn over each other, and in that reflection, Jisung finds the hope that everything will be okay.


End file.
